Ashes like Snow
by ge97511
Summary: The title and song of in this fic is "Ashes like Snow." by Lily Kershaw. I just couldn't come up with a better title. All reviews are welcomed.


**_A/N: So this came to me today and wouldn't let me alone so here it is. It's not a happy story so if that's your thing then I suggest you read something else. It's in Holly's point of view. The title and song of in this fic is "Ashes like Snow." by Lily Kershaw. I just couldn't come up with a better title. All reviews are welcomed._**

I can't help but bite my lip as I pace back and forth and watch the news coverage for the last 3 hours. A second bomb just went off in downtown Toronto in a crowded mall no less. From the news coverage, I can clearly see that there's a massive first responder response. I bet anything that includes the 15th precinct and that's exactly why my heart is in my throat. Per the news a second bomb went off as first responders arrived and there's one dead on top of all the people that were hurt and killed in the first bombing inside a department store.

I just grip my phone tighter in my hand and basically will it to ring. I've texted her, I've left messages and still nothing. I know she's busy but I'm desperate to know that she's okay. Get a grip Stewart. She's fine. She's out there doing her job. She'll be safe. She'll come back to you. She promised.

We have plans tonight. When she kissed me goodbye this morning she said she wanted me to get all dolled because she wanted to take me to dinner at a fancy restaurant.

And with a knock on my door my entire world disintegrated.

I run to it because it might be my Gail. But standing there are Oliver, Steve and Tracy. All of them have a sorrowful look and unshed tears in their eyes. I know I don't need to ask the question but I want to hear it from them. I want them to tell me so that maybe it'll wake me from this living nightmare. My hand goes to my mouth and I scream, "No, please! Please tell me she's okay! Please don't tell me she's left me! She promised Steve!

Steve just walks in and wraps his arms around me as he whispers, "I'm so sorry, Holly. She got there first. The bomber watched her get out of the squad car and as soon she got close he detonated the 2nd bomb. There was nothing to do for her. She was gone in a second."

I pull back and see the tears running down his eyes. I didn't even notice when mine started but at this point they can't stop. At least I don't think they'll ever stop. Suddenly I feel such anger rise in me. Anger that it just had to be her who got there first. Anger that now I had no future. She was my present my tomorrow my everything and now in a blink of an eye she's gone. She left me and now I have nothing. I start hitting his chest with my closed fists in futility and cry, "Why did it had to be her Steve?! Why her?"

He pulls back and says tearfully, "I don't know Holly. I just don't know. The world feels colder now. Colder now that she's gone."

I glance at Oliver and Tracy and they both have tears running down their faces.

I just push Steve away and I'm brought to my knees. I wrap my arms around myself and just cry. Cry for the time wasted. Cry for the cruelty of life. Just cry for the love of my life.

Tracy kneels and tearfully says, "Holly, I have some stuff for you."

I look up and she hands me a ring box with a paper rubber banned to it and the medal. The St. Michael medal I gave her to keep her safe. She never left to work without and it gave me some comfort. But now all I feel is rage. I took it from her and threw it across the room. It didn't work. It didn't protect her and now she's gone. Just gone forever.

I feel Oliver kneel beside me and with tears in his eyes whisper, "She loved you Holly. Don't you ever forget that. She loved you with everything she had and she wanted a long life with you. She'd want you to be happy. That's all she ever wanted for you. I'm so sorry darlin'."

I just sob.

Tracy tearfully whispers, "Holly you need to read that note and open that box. It's important."

I take the rubber band off and open the scrap piece of paper. Just when I didn't think I could not hurt anymore the feeling multiplied by a million. There in Gail's writting was her last message to me.

It read:

 ** _"I love you so much Lunchbox. I know I don't deserve you but I have no tomorrow without you. I want everything with you baby. Marry me."_**

I looked up at Steve and I could clearly see he knew what it said. I open the box and there sits a beautiful chocolate diamond engagement ring. As I stare at it Steve whispers, "She was going to propose to you tonight. She said that the color of the diamond reminded her so much of your eyes. She's had been so nervous about asking you. She memorized that little paper. She was afraid she was going to ruin it. Scared you'd say no but I knew better."

I shut my eyes and felt pure rage. Against who I don't know. Against what I don't know. But at this moment all I can feel is sorrow, anger and an overwhelming emptiness.

"I want to see her Steve! Where is she?!" I cry loudly.

It's Oliver who responds to me because Steve is now just sobbing. I feel Tracy leave my side to wrap her arms around Gail's big brother.

"Darlin' you don't want to remember her like that." Oliver whispers

But that answer isn't good enough. "I want to see her Oliver." I cry again.

I see Oliver take a deep breath and drop his head on his chest as he whispers, "The bomb, she took the brunt of the explosion. She's not..she's not..."

After a couple of seconds I realize what he's trying to tell me. She's in pieces.

I manage to get up and as I grip the ring box hard in my hand I just then just lost it. I tore the fucking tv off the wall. Now I knew the only thing that mattered. My Gail is gone. She left me without any warning. None and now I don't know what I'm supposed to do. Oliver reacts quickly and holds me in a huge bear hug until he feels that I've calmed down. After that I didn't say a word. I turned around with the ring box still in my hand and went into the bedroom. I slam my door hard and just collapse on our bed. Wrap my arms around her pillow and just sob. I can still smell her scent on it and that just makes me cry harder. Because I know that the day will come when it'll be gone and I'll never be able to get it back.

Her friends, my friends all kept a close eye on me those few days. Till the funeral.

I hated the funeral. Just hated it. The eulogies just talked about how good she was at her job and how she was going to be missed. But none talked about how sweet she was, how silly she could be, how good she was to me. They didn't really talk about my Gail.

I sat at her grave site and just looked straight ahead while they went through the police ceremony. Everything was there. The bag pipes, the long procession of police cars, the gun salute and the folded flag. The folded flag. Till this day I still don't know why that's part of the tradition. I guess it's meant to make the loved ones feel better. When they handed it to me I wanted to give it back but I didn't. This is the last part of my Gail. But I couldn't help but wonder how giving me a folded flag was supposed to make me feel better. Nothing would ever make me feel any better.

It's time for me to leave this city. It's been a year since she left and I just want to run away from the pain. I really don't know if moving will make anything better but I can't continue to live in the past. At this point I just want to function okay. I know that the loss of Gail has changed me forever. Just meeting her changed me forever.

Now and days I just keep to myself and keep listening to this song over and over again. It just reminds me of her so much.

 **"Ashes Like Snow" by Lily Kershaw  
**

 **Ashes falling like snow**  
 **As the wind blows the last breathes upon the breeze**  
 **Ashes falling like snow**  
 **All the people you'll never know that you brought to their knees**

 **Ooo-ooo**  
 **Won't you meet me in the morning?**  
 **Ooo-ooo**  
 **You left without any warning**  
 **Ooo-ooo Oh-Oh come on**  
 **I don't know where to put you now**

 **People floating on down**  
 **A strange dance from the towers in the sky**  
 **People floating on down**  
 **Fire so hot at their backs; better to hit the ground**

 **Ooo-ooo**  
 **Won't you meet me in the morning?**  
 **Ooo-ooo**  
 **You left without any warning**  
 **Ooo-ooo Oh-Oh come on**  
 **I don't know where to put you now**

 **Come back, won't you come back, won't you come back**  
 **To me**  
 **Come back, won't you come back**  
 **To me**

 **Ashes that once were bone**  
 **Where do we go from here?**  
 **Ashes that once were bone**  
 **I'm slipping from my faith**  
 **I'm falling with my fear**

 **Ooo-ooo**  
 **Won't you meet me in the morning?**  
 **Ooo-ooo**  
 **You left without any warning**  
 **Ooo-ooo Oh-Oh come on**  
 **I don't know where to put you now**

 **Ashes like snow**  
 **Where did you go-oh?**

I go to her gravesite one last time. I lay a dozen of fire and ice roses on her tomb because they are her favorite and quietly say my goodbye. I wear the engagement ring because as far I'm concerned I still belong to Gail. And sadly I don't think that will ever change.

I'll love her till I die. Hopefully someday soon I'll be able to join her. That's my only hope. To see her again.


End file.
